


Who do I run to

by Qilby



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Angst/Fluff, Comfort, Crying, I dealt with something alike, M/M, Suicide mention, also first time writing for this fandom and for camus and reiji so idk man, and I chose to let it out on this, not exactly the same, probably ooc idc, reimyu, theres like a whole lot of that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 03:05:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15698859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qilby/pseuds/Qilby
Summary: Camus surprises Reiji crying three times. The first time, he ignored it. The second, he worried. The third time, he was determined to know the reason why...





	Who do I run to

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!! I hope you enjoy this! I wrote it after dealing with some stuff in the past year. I'm not too used to writing with these characters, I hope I didn'T write them too bad. I just really wanted Reiji crying so hard it hurts, and Camus comforting him. But hey, in the end I like it so idrc!

The first time he heard Reiji cry, Camus had been surprised. The Reiji he knew, the one he worked with and often found incredibly annoying, the cheerful leader of their group, was crying in silence, in the bathroom. Camus had frozen in time when he passed in front of it and heard muffled whimpers. The door had been left ajar, and the sight appearing upon his eyes left him speechless. Seeing Reiji hunched over the sink, a hand pressed to his mouth to try and keep his sobs inside was not something Camus ever even imagined was possible to happen.

He should’ve moved on, walked away, and pretend he had seen nothing. If Reiji had come to this bathroom, the one furthest from their living room to hide himself as he cried, it was because he wanted to be alone. It was obvious he didn’t want anyone to see him like that, breaking character. God, he should’ve left him be, run away and ignore this had ever happened. But the shock he felt as he witnessed this, the strange aching in his heart, the desire to hold Reiji… he didn’t understand it then.

But why was Reiji crying in the first place? Had he been fighting with someone? Camus couldn’t recall anything of the sort. Then was it because Camus and Ranmaru had yet again another fight over something incredibly futile? Again, Camus couldn’t think of such an instance in the past hours, or even days. He hadn’t even touched Ranmaru’s bananas in days, and his sugar had remained untouched too. Truth to be said, all of them had been more absorbed by the preparation for the Triple S decisive concert than anything else.

Maybe it was the pressure? They had a lot on their plates recently, and even though Reiji had been in the industry for a long time, maybe this was too much. They had been gone for a while now on their National Tour, and between that and practice for the Triple S, and interviews here and there and other obligations, they barely had a day off. Maybe that was it. An accumulation of overwork, stress and what not had potentially sparked this strange reaction.

Camus only moved from his contemplation when he saw Ai coming his way. Camus knew he couldn’t have anyone else witness this. Their group didn’t need that at the moment, and Reiji had to get a hold on things. Loudly, he walked over to Ai and spoke, briefly looking back to see if Reiji was coming out of the bathroom. As he talked with the other member, he saw Reiji quietly leaving the bathroom, making a quick exit toward his bedroom as he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, not even looking back at his friends or speaking to them.

The second time happened during a thunderstorm, a few days after Camus first surprised this moment of weakness.

The lights had been flickering on and off, making it impossible to practice in the apartment, and there was no way they could make it to their studio in town without risking their lives. They had chosen to take the day off instead, relaxing at home. After all, it was no use overworking themselves either. Overwork could only lead to one of them getting hurt, and now was not the time for such accidents.

Everything had seemed normal at first. Camus was going back to his room after making himself a nice cup of sugar, with a bit of tea mixed with it as Ranmaru kept calling it, when he heard it. Yet again, muffled sobs had attracted his attention as he passed in front of Reiji’s room. Seeing as only a few days had passed since the first time, Camus worried. His friend was clearly unwell, and maybe this time he should intervene. During the day, he had pretended he was his usual cheerful self, but it was obviously not the case. Maybe, as Camus had feared it would happen from overwork, he had hurt himself? Sprained his ankle or something, and he was trying his best not to show it or tell them, so to not delay their practice? Considering this might affect their group and performance, Camus decided it was time he did something, and knocked lightly on the door, passing his head between the door and the frame.

“Kotobuki?” He called in a whisper.

He did not sound worried. Slightly concerned, definitely. But not worried. Considering this was probably due to stress or anything trivial, it did not call for him to worry. Yet what was this ache he felt in his chest, the same one he felt a few days ago when he first surprised Reiji? He couldn’t understand it.

Upon hearing Camus’s voice, Reiji’s head rose from his pillow, startled by the intrusion. He tried his best to smile at Camus like he normally would, greet him playfully and say he had allergies or something to explain his puffy face, or pretend he had been sleeping. But his voice came out hoarse and broken, and his smile a grimace as tears kept streaming down his cheeks. Ashamed, he buried his head in his pillow again. How could he face Camus in this state? He wished he would go away, leave him. He didn’t deserve someone to care for him.

But Camus, having no idea of the internal monologue going on inside of Reiji’s head, walked in, closed the door and put his cup on the nightstand, sitting on the bed next to Reiji. He reached for his back, soothing it as Reiji cried harder. ‘ _What am I doing?_ ’ he wondered as he made circles on his friend’s back, his heart pounding. This wasn’t something he would normally do, so why was he comforting him? Why did this feel like the right thing to do, in this moment? They were not particularly close, yet Camus couldn’t help but wish they were. If they had been, maybe it would’ve made it easier for him to ask what was wrong.

He waited patiently for Reiji to stop crying. He felt uneasy, but not about the situation, no. It was entirely about his mixed feelings. Maybe he _was_ worried about Reiji. He was not simply concerned about him, about the wellbeing of their group and their performance. No, Camus, as he came to realize it, was definitely, deeply worried about Reiji. It was unlike him to cry like that, genuine tears of sadness. Camus felt like something inside Reiji had broken, and he wasn’t able to put the pieces back together on his own. That whenever he tried, that the little he managed to assemble, kept getting crashed, and he had to start all over again. Doing that a few times, as Camus knew, only made you stronger. But he knew so little about Reiji, and there comes a point where it’s impossible to piece something back together if it’s been broken too often.

Lightning struck somewhere close, thunder making the entire house shudder with it’s growl. Before Camus could even say anything, the room was plunged into darkness.

“How great,” Camus mumbled to himself as he looked out the window into the dark grey clouds.

When he brought his gaze back on Reiji, he found out the man had fallen asleep. Sobs had given place to light snores. Camus exhaled through his nose, unable to stop the small smile spreading on his lips as he stood up. He took the time to put Reiji in a more comfortable position to sleep, covering him up with his blanket and leave the room with his cup of tea. His heart was still pounding in his chest, and his face felt red, but looking in the mirror in the hallway showed he didn’t look different, reassuring him. He wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to explain why he was flushed.

People would’ve asked him why, and he would deny it all. He would deny the fact his gaze had stuck on Reiji’s puffy face, his rosy lips and cheeks as he slept soundly. He would deny that he had carefully removed his hair from his face, tucking it gently behind his ears after he had laid his head on a pillow. Or how careful he had been as he moved Reiji ever so lightly so he could get the blanket stuck under him and cover him up with it.

He would deny everything, from these small details to his loud, pounding heart and the blush that had made his usually pale face brighter with colors. He wouldn’t even admit this to himself, despite being faced with the facts, so how in all heaven would he admit it to someone else?

What he would not deny is the worry he still felt for the poor man. How could he, when Reiji was clearly unwell? He was pretty much the leader of their group, the parent friend they needed in moments of doubts, or when they needed a pep talk. He always made sure they all ate their share of food, and that they had everything they needed. It annoyed Camus in general since he hated being treated like a child. But had they ever worried about Reiji? When was the last time Ranmaru, Ai or himself had given back to Reiji instead of taking, as they always did? He thought that had changed after Reiji had ran away with a threat of never coming back, and yet it didn’t seem like it had. They got along much better, yes, but maybe… maybe it wasn’t enough. They relied so much on him. Their group would be lost without him, and they knew such success because of him.

The third time, Camus witnessed the process from start to end.

It had been weeks since the second time, since the Triple S, and now they finally had some resting time. Quartet Night’s schedule wasn’t as busy as it had been, and they had a lot more days off now, which they used however they deemed fit. They still had practice, of course, or interviews, with the occasional public appearance or concert. But things were much less hectic, which allowed them to spend more time and building stronger bonds among the group members.

Camus had accidentally gotten closer to Reiji. In an attempt to learn why Reiji had been crying so much, he had started spending more time with him, getting to know him. He hadn’t learned anything so far, but he now enjoyed and looked forward to when him and Reiji would be alone, and they’d be able to chat about whatever they wanted. They had conversation about Europe, or about a book they had both read, or even making guesses about what would happen next on a show they didn’t know they both followed. Soon, as they found common interests, Reiji had started letting Camus a bit more into his world and vice versa.

This time though, Camus was trying to read in the living room. Reiji was out for some errands, Ranmaru was playing bass and composing songs in his rooms, and Ai was playing video games online in the living room, most likely with Ren.

Camus hadn’t really been reading, though. His mind was constantly distracted by the sounds of the car passing in the street, or the steps of someone walking in the corridor, every time hoping it would be Reiji finally coming home. The sounds coming from the TV were not helping either, and he was getting more annoyed by it, and by Ai’s one-sided conversation with Ren. But if he was being truthful, it wasn’t what was really distracting him. He simply couldn’t stop thinking about how cute Reiji was, alongside worried thoughts about his well being. He hadn’t cried in a while, or at least, not that Camus was aware of, but he just seemed overall better. Camus hoped it wasn’t so, but maybe, just maybe it was all pretend in an attempt to fool Camus…

“Mikaze, is it absolutely necessary for you to talk so loudly?” he sighed after starting the same page for the tenth time.

“I am doing my best to keep my tone as low as possible, but it’s no good if Ren cannot hear me,” Ai answered, pushing one of his headphone to the side. “I’d suggest going to read in your room if this is bothering you so much, Camus.”

He could hear Ren laughing from the other side, and Camus glanced up briefly at Ai. His face was so expressionless, it pissed Camus off. For once, Ai had not tied his hair up, the blue strands pooling on both of his shoulders. This hair style suited him rather well, and Camus couldn’t help but wonder why he did not wear them like that more often.

“Whatever,” Camus grumbled as he looked back at his book, pouting in a very childish way.

“Hello friends, I have returned from my long and tiring trip to the grocery store!” Reiji announced himself as he walked in, promptly closing the door behind him and kicking his shoes off.

He was clearly in a good mood today, whistling to himself as he walked inside the apartment with his bags of groceries, dropping them on the table.

“Hold on, Ren. Welcome home, Reiji,” Ai greeted him with a small smile as he paused his game and removed his headphones to talk to Reiji. “Did you buy the Jello I requested?”

“I hope you didn’t forget Kurosaki’s bananas this time,” Camus laughed to himself as he pretended to keep on reading.

“Yeah, yeah, I got everything you asked… for,” Reiji started saying as he turned around, his eyes falling on his friends in the living room for the first time since he had walked in.

His tone, at first playful as expected from him, had suddenly dropped. His smile was frozen in place as he stared at Ai. He dropped the pack of Jello he had been holding to the ground, unable to move.

“Oi, Reiji,” Ai called at him, trying to get a reaction.

“Ain—” Reiji started before pressing both of his hands to his mouth, forbidding the word from ending. “Sorry, I, uh, forgot I have something in the, ah, washing machine! I should hurry!” Reiji laughed awkwardly before waving at them and rushing toward his room, leaving the groceries on the table.

There was a moment of silence as both Camus and Ai stared at the corridor in absolute confusion. Well, Camus at least was confused, and he thought it was the same for Ai. But when Ai turned around, his expression was dark and saddened.

“He was going to say Aine,” he whispered to himself.

He removed his headphones and promptly tied up his hair again, as he usually did. His sour mood was obvious, and Camus didn’t dare ask the question burning on his lips. Who even was Aine? He waited, expecting an answer from Ai without him having to ask, but the only thing the other did was put his headphones back on, get back in his game and say sorry to Ren for the delay. Camus could hear him ask if everything was alright, only to be dismissed by Ai.

That’s when Camus realized something. The first time Reiji had fled to cry, the first time he surprised him in the bathroom… Ai had also left his hair undone during practice, his elastic having broken mid-choreography. The second time, it was during that storm, when Ai had gotten out of the bathroom after his shower with his hair down, briefly walking to his room to retrieve his forgotten elastic. And this time, Camus didn’t know why he had left them loose, but he knew this must be the reason Reiji was in distress. All of these times, Camus recalled, Reiji had stared at Ai, and had eclipsed himself as soon as he could. But this time, it wasn’t so subtly. He didn’t know what about this time was different, what made it worse than all the other times, but Camus was determined to know.

He left his book on the coffee table, with his reading glasses, and made his way to Reiji’s bedroom. Ai hadn’t even spared him a look, too absorbed in his game. He had to make sure Reiji was alright. When he arrived at the level of his room, he didn’t bother knocking and simply opened the door, walking in. He found Reiji sitting on his bed and facing the window, hugging a pillow to his chest. He was not making a sound, but the shaking of his shoulders made it clear he was crying. The occasional hiccup could be heard, but that was all Camus could make out, the rest of the sounds absorbed by the pillow.

Once more, he felt the ache he had gotten used to feel the moment he saw Reiji crying. This pinching in his heart, this desire to help him, hug him and tell him it was going to be alright. He hurried around the bed and sat down next to Reiji, startling him. Reiji looked up, his face covered in tears and his nose running.

“Myu-chan,” he sobbed as he dropped the pillow and threw his arms around Camus, burying his face in the crook of his neck and crying harder.

Camus had a small delay, shocked by the reaction. He didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t that. But this was fine, too. After the initial shock passed, he passed his arms around Reiji and hugged him closer. His heart was beating faster than ever before, but if Reiji noticed it, he didn’t mention it. He was probably too focused on trying to keep snot off Camus’s shirt… and failing miserably, to notice his beating heart.

“I’m sorry, this is all my fault,” Reiji hiccupped as he grasped handfuls of Camus’s shirt. “I’m the one to blame, it’s all because of me… it’s all my fault…”

He started crying harder, pressing himself fully against Camus before he could even ask what this was about. He resigned himself to keep his questions for later, and fully put his attention into comforting Reiji. He couldn’t help but think that his throat must be very sore by now. He didn’t know what to say, or how to act to help him feel better. He decided to give in to his own, selfish desire of holding Reiji in his arms, as he had dreamed of doing for quite a while now, but never dared to do so. Remembering the gentle gestures his mother would give him when he was a small child, how comforting it was, Camus tried to reproduce the feeling and tangled his fingers in Reiji’s brown locks, as his other hand busied itself by sliding up and down his back to comfort him.

“It’s going to be alright, Kotobuki. It’s… it’s fine, no one’s hurt…” Camus tried to speak with a soothing tone but was abruptly cut off as Reiji pushed him away.

“Aine’s hurt! And it’s all my fault... if I hadn’t been so self centered, so selfish…! If I had been… if I had been there for him…” he spat out, looking straight into Camus blue eyes, his eyesight blurred by the tears that kept streaming. “It’s my fault he’s… he’s in a coma now… I…”

He could not finish his sentence as he started crying harder again. Camus had flinched at the sight of Reiji’s beautiful, gorgeous grey eyes, filled with tears. His face, distorted with sadness and anger, made the ache in his heart grow stronger. He felt his cold attitude melt as his desire to help Reiji was also growing evermore. He desperately wanted to chase the tears away, to see Reiji’s smile again… but only, and only if it meant he was better, and not using it as a mask to keep on bottling up his emotions.

There was another desire that had manifested himself, something that Camus had started wishing for as he got closer to Reiji. So many time in the past weeks he had wanted to lean in and kiss him after they had hung out or had a good conversation. He often dreamt of his lips, the feeling of them against his… He wanted to be closer to Reiji, both physically and emotionally. He wanted not only to see the happy-go-lucky Reiji, but all of his other side, his sadness and to know his story. Whenever he thought of his smile, or the way his hair bounced when he danced or walked, or his devotion to his music and friends… he couldn’t help his heartrate increasing, or the slight flush creeping up his cheeks, or the need to hide himself just to stare at him being a natural at things in secret.

He wanted to see Reiji beneath his mask, the truth he kept hidden from everyone.

As for Reiji… in this moment, he wished Camus would go away. That he would push him off, tell him he hated him. He didn’t want him to see him in this state of mind. He felt ashamed, tired and sad. He wanted this to end, and sleeping was the only way it would stop. He should’ve pushed him away quicker when he saw his hand moving to rest against his cheek, or when he saw him move closer, leaning down toward him as his thumb brushed away the tears on his left cheek. But no, he was only staring in surprise at the touch.

He should’ve pushed him away, but he couldn’t. Instead, he allowed him to get closer and closer, and finally allowed their lips to touch. As much as he wanted Camus to go, he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t wished for this before, for the soft touch of Camus’s lips against his. He didn’t move either when Camus broke the kiss as his hand slid back into his hair and invited him back in his arms.

“It’s okay, Kotobuki… or, Reiji, if I may call you like that… You can let it out. I am here for you,” his voice was soft against his ear, his breath warm and sweet.

Reiji paused for a moment, wondering if he had heard correctly, or if he had imagined Camus’s sweet voice whispering equally sweet words to his ear. Maybe it was a result from his fatigue from crying so much. A simple hallucination. But he wanted to believe it was true, to dwell in on this dream of someone being there when he needed. He decided to give in, to cry on his shoulder. Tears started pouring out again as he cried harder, allowing his emotions to flow out of his heart completely. Reiji passed his arms under Camus’s, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him closer to his own body, revelling in the familiar warmth.

His head was hurting so much, as if his heart was caged inside his skull, pounding against it to be let out. He wanted it to come out from there and give it to Camus, tell him how much he loved him. But whoever he loved seemed to abandon him. He didn’t want to lose him, yet he knew he would the moment he would tell him his story. Because clearly, this was what was coming. He was going to have to tell him why he was in such a state.

His crying slowly subsided to sobs, and finally only small hiccups as he kept on holding unto Camus’s shirt. He didn’t want to let go, not yet. He wanted to stay in his arms forever. He could not remember when was the last time someone was there for him, that they held him in their arms, and told him it was going to be okay. But now that he was done with his little tantrum, that he was done being a nuisance, Camus would probably go. He was tempted to start crying again, just to keep him around longer, but he knew this was just his selfish desire. He had been self centered enough now, it was time for him to stop.

“Sorry I got snot all over your shirt,” Reiji tried to joke, but his voice was nothing but a murmur, barely audible.

“That’s not important. Are you better?” Camus asked, his voice barely louder than his, but still full of worries.

“I don’t know. I guess. Sorry about… this,” he apologized, nuzzling his face against Camus’s neck.

It annoyed him. He couldn’t stop apologizing. It probably annoyed Camus too, he thought. Why was he like this? No one liked him. Why did he bother trying to be friends with any of them, when he was being a nuisance more than anything else? He was disgusted with himself. He wouldn’t even want to be friends with him. He could barely stand himself. It was the same as back then. The moment his friends learned what happened, it’d all be over. They’d turn their back on him when they learned about Aine. It was only a matter of time now, before they all left him. Before the dream ended and Quartet Night dissolved.

The idea of losing his group made him want to cry again, but he didn’t have the energy to do so. He wanted to let go, to ask Camus to leave him alone… but at the same time to dwell on the warmth of his arms longer… They had spent so much time together in the past weeks, they had gotten closer, and Reiji could feel the crush he had developed for Camus a few months ago had grown a lot. Love, he thought. But clearly, after Camus had seen him like that, he would never… he would never want him. A coward he was. One who runs away, who gives up on his friends when they need him the most…

“Reiji,” Camus called softly, holding him at arms length and forcing him to look at him. “Please tell me what is going on… That is, if you feel like it.”

“You’ll push me away if I tell you. It’ll be the end of our dream, of Quartet Night if… if you learned the truth… Myu-chan, please don’t… I…” his voice broke as he looked down, unable to sustain his gaze anymore.

Camus raised Reiji’s chin, forcing him again to look into his eyes. He leaned in, not really thinking again. He wanted to feel his lips again, how soft they were. He should’ve asked if it was okay, like he should’ve asked the first time. But since Reiji had not pushed him away when they first kissed, maybe it was fine now too. He leaned in again. He just couldn’t think straight. Without a word, he pressed his lips against Reiji’s, lingering only for a brief moment before pulling away. He could taste the saltiness of his tears on his lips.

When he moved away, Reiji was staring again in surprise. His head was clearer this time, Camus thought, so maybe it was not alright after all. He should’ve asked for his consent, and now he felt bad about not doing the bare minimum…

“Sorry,” Camus had to clear his voice to keep on talking, a lump forming in his throat. “About that. I thought since you didn’t object the first time, maybe you felt…”

“No, no, it’s just… I was not expecting it to happen again. I didn’t think you may have feelings for me. I thought it was your weird, foreign way of comforting me. Or pity. I don’t know.”

Reiji looked down again, reluctantly pulling away from Camus’s touch. This was the opposite of what he wanted. He wanted more kisses, more touching. But he couldn’t. He was about to tell him everything, to explain the reason why seeing Ai with his hair down put him in such a catastrophic state. And once Camus would know, it’d be the end of them, before it had even started.

“I will admit that I am, myself, surprised, but…  I do believe I have some sort of feelings for you… What I’ve been experiencing in the past weeks whenever we hung out, this excitement upon spending time with you, or the ache when we’re apart, or when I see you in such a state… I think they’re the results of me falling in love,” he explained, looking down as a familiar warmth crept up his cheeks.

“You sound like Ai, talking about feelings as if you were a robot,” Reiji tried for a small smile.

This was a side of Camus he had never seen, the block of ice completely melted. Sure, he acted sweet with his fan, true to his ‘butler’ image, but it was all very fake. It was part of his character, and the fans loved it, this image projected, giving them the illusion of the perfect husband. But this, _this_ was the real deal. This was the real flustered Camus, the one confessing his love to his crush, who looked like a hot mess, and the one whose heart was about to be broken, when he would unfortunately learn the ugly, ugly truth about the man he thought he loved.

“Camus, you won’t like me anymore once I’ve told you the whole story.”

“Nonsense. Whatever it is you want to tell me, whatever you did that makes you feel so bad, I doubt it’s nearly as terrible as you make it seem.”

“Trust me, you won’t like me after it,” Reiji crawled to the opposite side of the bed, his back to the wall, bringing his knees to his chest and hugging them. “You’ll leave me like they all did, and it’s probably better like that.”

He had gotten as far away from Camus as humanly possible. He was trying to make himself as small as possible, trying to disappear. That’s all he wished for. Disappear without leaving a trace. He didn’t want to die, not exactly. He just… wanted to cease existing. Despite his longing for Camus’s soft touch, he knew this distance was for the best. It was necessary as he spilled his heart out to him.

“My best friend was named Aine Kisaragi. He’s the reason I became an idol, actually. Back in school, he was the one pushing me and our friends to follow our dreams, giving us the motivation, we needed. He was simply amazing, as a person in general, and as an idol. Aine and Kei were a pretty popular idol group. Their lives, much like ours right now, were pretty hectic because of it. But Aine… he… he couldn’t deal with it any longer. He was having a hard time and one day…”

His breath caught in his throat, forbidding him from continuing. He managed to stop himself before he could start crying again. Reiji took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself, waiting until he had control over his voice again to continue. When finally, he felt like he could speak without breaking in tears again, he picked up the story in a hushed tone.

“One day, he had enough. He tried to call me, but I was busy with an audition and didn’t pick up. I was… I was the last person he tried to reach out to, before heading to the sea and trying to end his days. I was the last person he contacted, the only one who could’ve stopped him, and yet I didn’t… I wasn’t… if I hadn’t been so self centered…”

He broke into tears again, hiding his face in his arms. Camus felt his heart break at the sight, as Reiji’s shoulder started shaking violently, sobs echoing in the room again. He tried and reached out to him, his fingers trying to grip his shoulder, but Reiji moved away at the touch, as if he had been shocked with electricity.

“He’s in a coma now, unable to wake up, and it’s all my fault. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most because I was selfishly trying to make my place in the world. How could I do this, when my friend was suffering? How did I not… how did I not see him suffering? I should’ve… I should’ve realized it sooner, and be there for him… if it hadn’t been for me, he would still…”

He paused as he cried, trying hard to collect himself between sobs and hiccups. It felt like an impossible task, but he had to calm down. His headache was bad enough, and Camus had seen quite enough of his ugly crying for the day. He didn’t have to witness more of it.

“The professor, Aine’s uncle… he created Ai Mikaze, an artificial intelligence connected to Aine’s consciousness, in hope it would help Aine wake up and see the beauty of humans again and give him back his love of life. Ai-Ai… he’s an exact replica of Aine, from the tone of his voice to his physic. Their personalities are slightly different, and since Ai ties one side of his hair up, it makes it more bearable to work with him. I love Ai, but I can’t help and think of what I did to Aine whenever I see him…”

He paused again, taking some time to breath. He was out of breath. Why was he out of breath anyway? And why was his heart pounding so hard? He was not used to telling this story out loud. In fact, he believed it was the first time he told it to someone unrelated to it. After all, he never really had anyone to share this piece of him with, someone to talk about his feelings with. He was so used to keeping it all in, to bottle up every negative emotion that it didn’t matter anymore. He didn’t really know why he felt like sharing it with Camus either. Maybe his love for him, his desire to protect him from the ugliness of his actions, of his heart, made him the perfect candidate. He hoped this would be the final straw, that it would be enough to push him away.

“Whenever he has his hair down, I’m able to wait until I’m alone, to hide it, to hide that it affects me so much… but today, it’s the anniversary of that day. Of the day Aine attempted to end his days. Everyone blamed me, of course, and rightfully. I was the last person he tried talking to, and I wasn’t even there for him… The way Ai-Ai called out to me, with his hair undone… it felt like Aine was there, alive and well, like he did back in the days. It was exactly like when I zoned out and he wanted to get my attention. I feel terrible about calling him Aine, he doesn’t deserve it. I know it’s hard on him too... I didn’t mean to… it’s not what I…”

Before he could find the words to finish his thought, Camus crawled over to him, grabbing him by the shoulders and back in the warmth of his arms. It was a bit of an awkward position, considering Reiji was still rolled up on himself, but also trashing around to be free of this undeserved attention. But Camus did not let go, holding harder unto him, burying his face in his hair. It smelled like freshly baked food, a smell that seemed to follow Reiji everywhere. Considering he had been helping his mother out a lot recently, it made sense for him to smell so deliciously.

“It’s okay now, Reiji, take deep breaths,” he whispered to him.

“Why aren’t you running away from me? What is wrong with you?” Reiji cried out. “When will your pity end? Why don’t you hate me?’

“Because I could never do such a thing, not for the reasons you have exposed me to.”

His tone was hard, not leaving place to any arguments. But it was also incredibly warm and soft, like a wish coming true. Reiji stopped moving, stopped trashing around. He simply could not believe his ears. It was a mystery as to why Camus was not repulsed by him. This was so unlike him, so warm and full of love… Reiji wanted to believe it was true, to give in to it.

“Why do you keep trying to comfort me? Don’t you see I’m terrible? Why, oh lord, why do you not hate me?” he finished in a whisper.

Camus took a deep breath before talking, collecting his thoughts. He pressed a light kiss to the top of Reiji’s head before pressing his cheek to it and closing his eyes as he started speaking in a low voice.

“Because it’s not your fault, as much as you believe it is… You always took your job seriously, and entering this world, the world of idols, is not easy. The fact you could not answer at the time doesn’t mean you have the entire responsibility of his actions on your shoulders alone. No one else saw it coming, and I am fairly sure Aine would be saddened to see how bad you beat yourself up.”

“Of course, I have all of the responsibilities! Don’t you see? If I had picked up, if I had been there for him, he wouldn’t have tried to kill himself! I was his best friend, the one closest to him! I should’ve been more attentive to his feelings, obviously,” he sounded angry now, half yelling as he pushed Camus, trying to get out of his grip, but Camus held on bravely.

“If you wanted to kill yourself right now and tried to reach out to me but I couldn’t pick up because, say, I’m on an interview, and you decided to jump. Would you resent me for not picking up?” Camus tried, desperate to get his point across, tired of hearing Reiji beating himself up over and over.

“It’s not the same,” Reiji pouted. “Of course, I wouldn’t resent you. But it’s not the same.”

“It is exactly the same, Reiji. I… I should’ve been more attentive about your feelings, too. But you seemed so determined to hide these emotions inside of you, and we were not exactly close until now. I didn’t believe I had the right to… to question you. Had you decided to take that path… I most likely would’ve felt like you do right now. You’ve been bottling these up for so long, have you not?”

His sudden empathy surprised Reiji. Camus probably did not fully understand his situation, but he was trying hard to see through his eyes, to put himself in his place, and that warmed his heart. He was not repulsed. He was not pushing him away. He was simply trying to understand, trying to give him a shoulder to lean on when he needed. He was simply trying to give him what he had failed to give Aine all those years ago, an ear to listen to him when he needed to vent.

“I… yeah, maybe, I don’t know. I never… I never really had anyone I could talk about this with. Ai-Ai’s obviously out of the question. He never met Aine, and it makes him anxious. Ranmaru and you don’t know anything about it. Everyone, all my friends, blamed me after the events, so I took everything on me…”

“Then please, I beg you, when you need to talk to someone, come to me. I’d… be more than glad to listen to you and allow you to vent out. I don’t want to see you cry on your own anymore.”

Having his head pressed to Camus’s chest, Reiji could hear Camus’s beating heart, echoing with his. He looked up slowly, fixing his gaze in Camus’s blue eyes. Were those tears in his eyes? Why was he crying?

“Myu-chan, I don’t understand,” Reiji choked. “Why are you doing this for me?”

“Because I miss your smile,” Camus answered him simply.

And Reiji, unable to resist his impulse any longer, leaned up and kissed Camus’s lips. Reiji leaned in the embrace, melting in Camus’s arms as their hands slowly found each other’s, fingers intertwining together as they shared the kiss. Camus could taste the remaining of the tears on his tongue, the light saltiness of Reiji’s sadness. More were falling from his eyes as they kissed, for what he didn’t exactly know. He hoped it was relief, or happiness. Definitely the later more than anything else. He wanted to see Reiji happy again more than anything else. His cheeks were wet and warm from Reiji’s tears… or from his own? He felt like his own tears were falling, mixing in with Reiji’s. He could also feel his pulse, quick against his fingers. Or maybe it was also Reiji’s? He couldn’t tell, the hearts echoing each other as the embrace slowly ended.

Reiji felt light headed, both from the headache and the kiss. He still felt terrible, but somehow, he had hope. A little spark of light in the darkness, a possibility of being happy despite his actions.

“Will you come to me when you need to talk?” Camus whispered against his lips, unable to move away more than a few inches from Reiji.

His eyes were closed as he waited for an answer, his face pressed against Reiji’s, his nose poking his cheek, and his forehead pressing against his.

“I’ll… try… I can’t promise not to bottle it up, but when it becomes too much… I will…”

Camus nodded, deeming this enough of a victory for the day as he kissed Reiji again. The poor man was still reluctant to accept the love, considering he still felt like he did not deserve it. But selfishly, he accepted, allowing himself this much. It just couldn’t be a lie. Reiji knew Camus when he was not sincere, when he was putting up an act. But this very much flustered and warm Camus was definitely the most genuine he had ever seen him be, and he wanted to see more of it.

They chose to lay down on the bed since Reiji was starting to get dizzier by the minute. Camus was propped up on his elbow as Reiji curled up like a kitten next to him. His eyes were heavy, and his headache slowly becoming unbearable, but he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. He wanted to stay awake and appreciate Camus’s presence longer, as if the moment he fell asleep he’d be gone, that he would have left him. But Camus’s long, fine fingers kept massaging his scalp, pulling gently at his hair and making it incredibly difficult to remain awake.

“Are you sure about being with me?” Reiji whispered after a while, his voice hoarse and sleepy.

“Yes, I believe so. I’m afraid I have fallen head over heels for you, as they say. You’re so... cheerful, and full of light all the time. It’s quite blinding sometimes, but I wouldn’t mind going blind because of your brightness. This showed me you have your own troubles, and that you’re not above it all as I used to believe. We should’ve been more alert to your own feelings. You’re allowed to be supported too, not just support us all. I think there’s enough weight on those shoulders of yours.”

“I’m an expert at hiding my feelings, I must say,” Reiji smiled jokingly. “But thank you, Myu-chan…”

Camus smiled back, no longer annoyed by the nicknamed. He somehow found it cute now and loved it when Reiji would say it in private. This wasn’t one of his usual smiles, but it was better. A soft, gentle smile. Camus leaned down and pressed a kiss to Reiji’s head.

“I love you,” he whispered as he closed his eyes, laying down next to him and resting a protective arm on his boyfriend.

Reiji stared for a moment, unsure of what to say. I love you too would probably have been a good choice, but the words wouldn’t make it past his lips. Considering his state, he resolved himself to hug Camus closer to him, his face pressed against his chest as he tried not to start crying again. He pressed a shy kiss against Camus’s heart, over his shirt. It wasn’t as great as if Camus had been shirtless, but it was fine for now.

He didn’t see the satisfied smile that spread on Camus’s lips afterward. He was feeling like a weight had been lifted from his chest. For so long, he had kept his true feelings to himself, showing other people only an image of him that he had carefully created from pieces after everything that had happened. His persona, the happy-go-lucky Reiji that everyone loved was hiding his true self, the anxious Reiji with low self-esteem, who blamed himself over a missed call because he was at an audition. And he still felt like that, of course. Such a feeling wouldn’t go away overnight, or because his boyfriend had tried to kiss him better. But the idea the he could run to Camus when he needed, that he could share his troubles with him, and that he would listen without judging, was strangely appeasing. He knew his secrets were safe with him, that he could trust him with anything.

He fell asleep listening to Camus’s steady breathing and heart beat, his worries forgotten, even if only for a short while.

Now, he knew where he belonged, to who he could run to.


End file.
